Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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