My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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