Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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