Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
