First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
