Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
