You made me cry and you don't even care
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize