I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
True college students do jello shots in the library
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
