Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize