i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I am one with the molecules
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
