i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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