You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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