Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize