Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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