since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
