if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
