She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
