I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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