i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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