WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Can Purell be used as lube?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
