Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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