Someone shit on the floor
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
