wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
