I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
