i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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