i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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