I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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