what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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