As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
