ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
