I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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