I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
