I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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