Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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