she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
