How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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