1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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