mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
