I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
