this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Small penises have feelings too.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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