we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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