Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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