I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Less talking, more tequila
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
