she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
