I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
