I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
