hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
