my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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