god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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