i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
