I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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