If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
