Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
