on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
