Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
someone owes me an orgasm
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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