I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
