We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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