Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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