Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
This baby is an asshole
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
