I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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