Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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