All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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