you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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