In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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