got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
