I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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