I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Floor bacon is actually really good
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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