allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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