I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
