I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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