It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize