WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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